Well, for those of you that are wondering or maybe you’re not wondering at all………I’d think that with a few previous comments I’ve dropped here and there that it’d be freakin’ obvious….I’m in a bit of a funk.

To be brutally honest……..

(If you’re looking for a nice, happy, feel-good piece then come back later, and hopefully I’ll have something up. Otherwise realize that I’m about to be honest about how I’m feeling. Not in a mean nasty way, but brutal honesty none-the-less.)

………..I’ve been feeling very “cloudy” lately. I don’t feel like I’m in a depression. I’ve climbed out of that black hole before, after completely denying that I was even in one – I’m very aware of how I’m feeling, and have no real need to fake myself out again. Having said all of that, I’m not really interested in being medicated and will do just about anything to navigate around the deep dark holes of depression.

I’ve been feeling lately like I’m dancing too close to the edges of the hole and if I am not extremely careful, that it would be easy to fall in. I would probably fall a long ways before I determined myself to climb back out. Like I said previously, I’m not really interested in going there.

It’s been a long hard year for me, and it’s not over yet. I’d think that if anyone has/could earn the “Right” to be depressed that I’d be at the front of the gold medal line up for this year. First with Nathaniel and then a miscarriage, Jon hitting a depressed state earlier this year regarding his job, throw in 6+ weeks of missed paychecks, leaving that company and then starting up a company, and not making enough money to cover rent – let alone groceries; and not even wanting to think about the fact that Christmas is coming!

I understand that your life may have been rough also, but this is my blog and I’m just being honest with how I feel. Every one deals with life differently, and your pain is different than mine just as I am different from you. That doesn’t make my pain any more or less special than your’s. It’s my pain to feel and deal with.

I’ve talked about not feeling Christmas-y and I think that the uncertainty in regards to money has a big part to play in why I’m not feeling so Christmas-y. It’s hard to feel festive when your not really sure how you’re going to “DO” Christmas this year. It’s sad when your feelings are tied to money or a lack there of.

One thing that I have learned this year is that our society is not prepared or educated on how to deal with sadness. It’s so easy to be around happy people, and even quite easy to deal with angry people. The sad ones, we’d like to pat them on the head 3 times, and have them magically be happy again. One thing that I’ve learned is that it’s okay to cry. In fact, I spent most of Tuesday crying. I went to the kids school and picked them up, bought coffee from Tim Hortons, spent time with my husband and kids – did normal people things – while crying. I’m okay – I was just crying! Yes, I was feeling sad, but that’s okay too! I felt better for a while and then cried some more when things started closing in on me again.

It’s not necessary to tell people to “feel better“, or “smile“, or “focus on the happy stuff“. It’s way nicer to have somebody say, “I’m sorry you’re feeling sad, and even though I don’t understand how you’re feeling – I just want you to know that I’m thinking about you and praying for you. It makes you feel cared for, lets you know that someone is thinking about you and that your pain is not inconvient or insignificant.

Don’t be worried about me! I’m very aware of where I am emotionally. Don’t feel that you need to make me feel better. I’ve been feeling down and felt it necessary to explain myself a little. I’m not scared to talk about about feeling sad – I just usually don’t – unless “you” can handle it; and unfortunately, not many people can. It’s too uncomfortable. I’m not about making you feel uncomfortable – but I’m not about hiding who I am and where I’m at, either.

Sorry if this bothers you – that wasn’t my intent! I’m still the same person I was a few days ago writing “fluff” pieces, and I’ll definately write more “fluff.”