This is Nathaniel’s story. I guess it’s part of my story too. It’s very long. I wrote it about a month or so after Nathaniel died. I’m not sure if I’ll be posting tomorrow. We are going to spend the day as a family remembering our son/brother and the day that he died and was born. It will be a sad and happy day all at the same time. May your day be peaceful.

I found out on September 6th, 2004 that I was pregnant. We had been sort of trying for 3 months, and I couldn’t really believe that it had actually happened. Jon was in Denver, and I buzzed him on Yahoo messenger to tell him. We were so excited. My due date was May 7th, 2005. It seemed like such a long time away, especially when you want it to happen right now! Somehow, I made it through those early weeks. I remember looking a the calendar each day, and thinking it’s been 4 weeks, and 1 day, 4 weeks and 2 days, 4 weeks and 3 days. Eventually the days passed, and things progressed. I started feeling the baby move in November, and had an ultrasound on November 30th. I was 17 weeks at that point.

I had been leery of telling people that I was pregnant, I figured that something would go wrong. I had had 3 regular pregnancies, and just felt like something wasn’t quite right with this one. I was quite sick, but just figured that was because I hadn’t been pregnant for 4 years, and my body just wasn’t used to being pregnant.

I had said to Jon that this one didn’t move as much as the others had – but again, I figured that I must just have forgotten, as it had been a while since I had been pregnant. All the movement was just in the lower areas of my stomach, not so much in the front and up top.

We never actually heard the baby’s heart beating. The ultrasound technician had told us that the baby’s heartbeat was at 146 beats per minute. And I could definitely feel the baby moving around. That was the only time that we knew it was beating. But, my uterus was growing normally, and I could feel the baby moving even though it wasn’t doing back flips. We watched it at night, squirming around inside of me. I was so excited. I couldn’t wait to hold the baby, and to nurse the baby, and to snuggle the baby. Christmas time came and went. I had passed the halfway mark, and figured we were on the homestretch. Nothing was supposed to go wrong at this point, was it?

I had been sick up until the week of Christmas, and couldn’t drink coffee. But, for that week, I felt great, and could even have eggnog and coffee – It was such a treat. I just figured that I was now over the morning sickness. Yah! – BUT….just before New Years, I started getting sick again, and coffee was grossing me out. I just said that God had been so kind to let me drink coffee over Christmas; cause I’d been looking forward to the eggnog and coffee.

At this point I was soooooooo tired, I could not get up in the morning even after 12-14 hours of sleep – felt like I was drugged. I had to lie down in the afternoon to sleep for 2 hours, and still went to bed between 8-10pm at night. I was just sleeping all the time and was soooooooo cold. I had thought that at some point in the pregnancy that I was supposed to overheat. I couldn’t wait for that to kick in.

I was hardly showing – I just looked a little fat. I didn’t even have hardly any maternity clothes. I had bought 2 plus sized shirts that I pretty much wore all the time. And a pair of black stretchy maternity pants that I wore pretty much every day. If I hadn’t told some people they wouldn’t have even known that I was pregnant.
On Wednesday January 19th, we had a doctors appointment. I was 25 weeks, almost! He tried to hear the baby, and got a heartbeat. He said it was the baby’s, but I think it was mine. It was 120 beats/minute. I asked him if he was sure that was the baby’s, it was just too easy, after never having heard it on any of the other visits. He said it was, but I’m still not sure. He also told us that the ultrasound has showed that the baby was probably a boy. It’s funny, I already knew. The two names we had picked out were Nathaniel Mark, and Alanna Joelle. But I just knew it was a boy and would use the Nathaniel Mark name. I was so excited when the ultrasound verified what I had already felt. There was only 15 weeks left until the due date, but I had been early for all the other kids so It was really only like 13 weeks. I knew that time would go by so fast.

On Saturday January 22nd, Jon and I slept in and then just had a lazy day after that. I was craving coffee – Weird! So I had some that morning. I worked on a baby blanket that I was making for a girl….it was pink and white. I could feel Nathaniel moving what I figured were his little hands down at the bottom of the womb. It seemed like a very nice relaxing day. Later that day, Xandra and I made some gingersnaps from a recipe we had gotten from Pam Dyck. She loves gingersnaps, and was so happy to make some more. I wanted some more coffee, so I made another pot, and had some more. I was glad that the sick stage of the pregnancy seemed to be over. It was about time. We put the kids to bed, and I sat down with my crocheting to work on the blanket some more. My mom had called, and was just chatting. I started to feel really weird. Like I was having a major blood sugar low. I motioned to Jon that I had to eat something RIGHT NOW. He made me some popcorn with cheese. I ate that and started to feel a little better.

Nathaniel had been moving, but wasn’t now. That wasn’t unusual, because He seemed to go to sleep in the evenings. I wish he would have moved more when I sat down to watch TV. That was one of my favorite parts of being pregnant with the other 3, was having the baby move inside of me. Any ways, we watched a movie that night. Then we went to bed. I wonder if that major freaky feeling that I had was when he died. I don’t remember feeling him move after that.

When I woke up Sunday morning, Jon was in the shower with Jeremy and J. barfed on the shower floor. We talked about it and I decided to stay home with Jeremy. I hadn’t felt the baby moving that morning – WEIRD! I had been awake at 5:30am and didn’t feel him move then, figured he was asleep, and fell back asleep. Same thing at 7:00am. By 10:00am, which is when I got up because Jon was leaving, and taking the girls with him, and leaving J. with me……I still hadn’t felt Nathaniel move. I was a little upset, but didn’t want to be a freaky pregnant mom. I didn’t say anything to Jon then.

By 11:30am, I was starting to worry. I would lie on my back on the living room floor, and still couldn’t get him to move. He was still in the same position that He had been in since last night. I wanted to call Jon, but he was with the Youth speaking that Sunday and I didn’t want to disturb him in the middle of his message.

I didn’t really want to go to the hospital, because I didn’t want them to tell me any bad news.

Jon came home, and I was stressed. He said that he felt really peaceful about the whole thing, and after we ate lunch, he laid down and took a nap. When he woke up, I said that I really needed to go to the hospital, but that I didn’t want to. He called and got our babysitter to come over and look after the kids for us. I called my mom, and said that we were going to the hospital. I started crying. I knew something was up because she said she would come right away. Where should she go, to our house or to the hospital. I didn’t know. We left for the hospital, she called on Jon’s cell and said she’d meet us there.

When we got to Emergency, it took quite a while for the triage nurse to see us, but when she finally did…..she sent us up to Maternity right away. The Maternity triage nurse took me to the hallway bathroom, and gave me some gowns to change into. When I got back into the triage room, she got me onto a bed, and tried to find the heart beat with the big monitor machine. But she couldn’t. I was getting more and more stressed. My mom showed up. She prayed. I was praying Jon was praying. Jon had called Pam and Alf to get them to pray. My doctor wasn’t on call that weekend, and we were waiting for the Dr-On-Call to show up. The nurse tried to get Nathaniel’s heartbeat with a Doppler, but couldn’t. They just kept picking up my heartbeat, which was around 120 beats/minute.
They kept telling me that I needed to calm down – Yah right! I think my baby is dead, but don’t want it to be true, and I’m supposed to calm down – NOT LIKELY!!!!! The DR-On-Call had showed up and tried to see the baby on the portable ultrasound, but didn’t really know how to use it. They were calling the obstetrician-on-call.

I had to go pee, so I went to the hallway bathroom. I knew that Nathaniel was dead. Up until this point I had hoped that everything would be okay. I had been praying, that what I had known wouldn’t be true. That he would still be alive. At some point, while I was laying on the bed waiting for the obstetrician – I had a……revelation……I knew that I knew that I knew that I knew that God was the giver of life. He could MAKE my baby to live if it was HIS will. I also knew that I had faith that HE could do just this. I also knew that it wasn’t going to happen this time. I knew Nathaniel was dead. I had a choice. Either I could fight with myself, and try to hold onto him for a little bit longer; or I could give my baby to HIM.

I went pee, and sat on the toilet crying. I held my hands out in a cup in front of me and raised them up. I said, “God, He’s Yours. I give my baby to You.” It was the easiest, and the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I went back to the room, and the nurse said that she was going to move us to another room – Room 305.

The obstetrician came in and looked at the baby with the portable ultrasound. You could see the head, and then the chest, the ribs, and the little white spot(his heart) in between the ribs that wasn’t moving. Nothing was moving! I already knew…such calm, and peace…He wasn’t mine. I had already given him to the very best Father he would ever have. Dr. Shone said that it didn’t look like Nathaniel was alive, but we would go to the radiologist downstairs on the big machine – just to be sure. We had to wait for the radiologist to come in from his home. They asked Jon to wait in the hall. I had God with me, but I was very upset for anybody else going through this. They should never be without someone to comfort them. Even for just a moment. The radiologist was in and out of the room turning on the machines, and getting ready. Finally he sat down to look at Nathaniel. Dr. Shone came into the room and They looked at each other. The radiologist pointed at the screen, and Dr. Shone said that the baby was dead. He called Jon in. I got back into the wheelchair, and they wheeled me back upstairs to the maternity ward.

I was in such a weird place. So calm and peaceful and comforted, and so upset – MY BABY – My hopes, my dreams – were so close, and now gone. But he wasn’t mine. I had already given him up.

They told us again in the room with mom that the baby was dead, and we had to make some choices. We could go home, and have few days to think and prepare…….NOT A CHANCE. If he’s dead, then I want him out. So, at about 7pm they gave me one dose of medicine. The nurse thought that it would be 2 or 3 doses, repeated every 4 hours, but nope….one dose to be repeated in 12 hours – at 7am the next morning. The doctor told me that this might take a few days to happen. I didn’t want that. So, I prayed, that God would help me to have the baby soon. I didn’t want this dragging on forever.

Grandma and pa R. show up –Triage nurse comes in, she’s going off shift but tells me……….Jon and mom go for dinner. – Dad comes – Mom and Jon come back –

We were left alone at about midnight. Everyone left, and Jon was tired. I knew that he should sleep, so I told him that I was okay and if he wanted to go to sleep that he could. He lay down and was quickly asleep. I was glad because I knew he would need the sleep to be able to be ready for what was coming in the days ahead. I didn’t even know what was coming in the days ahead. I just knew he needed to sleep – And I wasn’t going to be able to.

At midnight, I could already feel the contractions. They were coming about every 5 minutes. But they didn’t hurt. So I just had some tea. Got up to get some ice water, had to ask a nurse where to get that from. I talked to her for a few minutes. Asked about my milk coming in, how long this might take(she had no clue), talked about the difference in opinion between the nurse and the doctor regarding the dosage in meds. When I got back to my room, the contractions were now closer to 3 minutes apart, and I could feel them for close to a minute. I read my bible for a while. God was just there, Holding me, speaking to me. Bringing back all theses songs to my mind. So many scriptures verses that apply to me, right now. So calm, and peaceful. I can’t believe this is happening to me. I wanted this baby so much. I pray for the moms on the floor tonight. God please help them, protect them, and their babies. Give them peace, help them not to be scared or to be in pain, Bless them, Father, Bless them.

I expected the nurse to come back in to check on me at 4am. The contractions are starting to hurt, but not unbearable. I will ask for meds when they come in though. They don’t come at 4am, by 5am it is hurting. I go to the bathroom and there is blood. I can’t believe this is really happening. It’s not supposed to happen like this. I really wanted this baby. God, please, don’t make me go through this. I really wanted him. I know he’s not coming back, but you could work a miracle….then everybody would know it was a miracle. I know it’s not going to happen, but Oh how I want it to. I wake Jon up and tell him that I’m going to call the nurse. I need the meds – it really hurts. The nurse comes in and says that to give it to me, she’ll have to give me an IV. I don’t care – I just don’t want to hurt any more than necessary. Hurry up, please! She puts in the IV, and then gives me the first dose. It doesn’t work. I need more. She comes back in 5 minutes and gives the second dose. It hurts so bad! She says that I could push to see if that might help. I just want more drugs – make the pain go away. I cry out – Jesus, please, I don’t want to do this anymore. Then, it’s over. He’s born….in the sac. I push again, but there are no more contractions. He’s out completely. It’s 6:25am. They wrap him up and take him away – to clean him up and check him out. Later, I ask God to show me where He is in the room during all this. He’s standing at my head holding me and when I cried out to Him, He put His hand on my stomach and on Nathaniel, and pushed him out. That was it – It was finished.

AND IT HAD ONLY JUST BEGUN!!!!!!!!!

I felt like I had had too much to drink. I just wanted to go to sleep for a little while. I was in and out of it, and then they brought him in, in a tiny little doll bassinette that was still too big for him. He was all wrapped up in a white blanket, with a little hat on. The nurse handed him to me. He felt heavier than I thought he would. I opened the blanket, and, yup, he was a boy! He looked perfect. Hard to reconcile that with the fact that he’s dead. No cord problems – What was the reason???? They want us to send him for a autopsy. Sure, whatever. This is not really him – just his body. He’s in heaven with Jesus. He’s so little. We take 2 pictures. I so wish we had taken more. It just felt so weird. I wish I had a picture of me holding him, cuddling him. Regrets, so many regrets, but never can we go back there. That moment in gone. Do whatever you want in your life. Live so you will have no regrets. Every moment is so precious and can never be gotten back. Do things right the first time, or as soon as you realize.

Jon held him, and cried. I felt so bad, I had wanted to give him another son, but not like this – Not a dead one. A live, living one!

Just in shock! This wasn’t supposed to happen to us. Well, maybe it was. Who are we now. How do we tell the kids that they don’t get a live brother? How do explain this one? I just want to crawl into a hole. I just want to hold them, but I can’t right now – I would scare them. My emotions are freaking out, yet so calm. Peace that passes understanding – is the only way to explain how I feel.

I just want to go home. I want this to have not happened. But it is done. I want to sleep – I am so tired. I am scared that I won’t be able to sleep. Breakfast comes – I don’t want to eat. Jon, lets just go home. They need blood from me and they will try to wrap things up. Whatever, it doesn’t really matter. Like anything matters right now. What do I do now? How do I just go on? My life has stopped, but yet it can’t. I have to live. I don’t want to. I have other children – that I don’t want to take care of. I just want to go back to before this happened. And yet I can’t. What do I do now?

We can leave. We pack my stuff up and get ready to leave. It hits me as we walk out empty handed. I have no baby. What am I doing? I don’t want to leave here. Here is where he is. I feel so empty. I will never bring him home. I can’t handle it, but apparently I can because I have to. I walk out. A different person than I walked in. I am the mother of 4 children. But I am also the mother of a dead child. A child born dead. Not even having had an opportunity to fight for life out here in the world. A child that will only know a Father’s perfect love. Never know pain, or hunger or sorrow, or betrayal.

It doesn’t change the fact that I still wanted to have Nathaniel or to keep him here with me. It still hurts when I want him “my way” But, his days were numbered even before he was created. God knew exactly how many days he would be around. Nathaniel has taught us so much in his short 25 weeks with us.