Well, I had written a bunch of stuff, and then did something stupid and lost it all. I’m not about to type it all out again right now. Fortunately for you, it had nothing to do with my time down in Olympia and so you still get to hear about that.

I had been feeling so tried and worn out before I left, and some of the things that I absolutely loved about my self and my life – I really didn’t care about that much any more. Life was no fun, frankly, IT SUCKED!

I was also having a really hard time keeping my thoughts and plans organized in my head, and seeing as that has been one thing that I have always been good it - in some ways it defined who I was – not a good thing! – I felt like I was going nuts or falling apart, and it was all very discouraging.

The biggest thing that we ended up really talking about or dealing with was a major sense of “False Responsibility“. To explain,… I have felt responsible for everyone and everything in my life. Everyone’s well being and happiness, and very existance. I felt like I had to hold everything together because “if I don’t then who will“. If I don’t plan things out perfectly, then things will get missed and people will be sad or disappointed or upset or feel bad or something. Then I have somehow let them down. If I don’t keep everything in my family running smoothly, then who will? I have felt like it was my responsibility to do everything perfectly and then people wouldn’t be inconvenienced or bothered. If I could make everything easier for others then their lives would be better. I have felt like this for as long as I can remember. It’s kind of a big responsibility. And seeing as I really am not responsible for you or anyone else………

I have assumed this responsibility, and to give it to you in a picture – like the clean room picture from the last post!

Imagine that I am walking around carrying my own baggage. Will you all agree with me that we all have baggage that we carry? Insecurity or anger or shame or guilt etc… So, not only am I carrying my stuff around, but I have picked up my mom’s and my dad’s and my 4 brother’s and sister’s and my husband’s and everything from my own family and from my friends and a whole lot more. Okay, so we’ve established the fact that I am carrying a mountain load of excess baggage. Now imagine how you might feel if I am taking your baggage and you don’t even really want me to take it, but I have basically taken it anyway. So, not only am I tired out from carrying WAY TOO MUCH, but now I’ve offended you and am having to deal with that on top of my exhaustion. I’m not really in a good place am I?

It gets even worse. I am responsible for my kids, and I want to keep them from getting hurt. BUT, I haven’t wanted them to be a bother to or to be hurt by others. In my wanting to keep them safe I have somewhat isolated them the same way that I have isolated myself because if you don’t have friends then those friends cant hurt you. How messed up is that?!? Now, before you all crucify me, I haven’t isolated my kids on purpose or kept them away from having friends (they have some, just not many), but I haven’t modelled friendship to them, so if they are learning by example……….well, I haven’t been setting a very good example. I’m not really sure how to remedy this, but I recognize this and that’s the first step. At least I’m working on it now!

I have felt so exhausted and drained, and life has really not been fun at all. It really couldn’t be with all this going on.

SO, JUST TO LET YOU ALL KNOW…

I am no longer accepting responsibility for the rest of you. I am no longer taking responsibililty for the whole world. You all will just have to figure it out on your own. In fact, I believe that You will do an amazing job without me.

As a result, if I am only being responsible for what I am supposed to be responsible for (we are working on a list of my specific responsibilities – oh how I love lists) then I will once again enjoy life, and have fun with it and with my children and my husband. I am so looking forward to my life, and not dreading it. This is a good thing, because before I went to this counselling – I really didn’t enjoy my life. I have a whole new set of Beliefs and a new Identity. These are more lists that I will be meditating on until they become a part of me.

There was a whole buch more stuf, but this is as much as I am sharing at this moment! I’m sure that I’ll ramble about the rest of it at some point in the near future. Until then………….