Time seems to be going so slow, and yet so fast! Although, in my mind it’s not fast enough!

I know that doesn’t make a ton of sense, but a lot of things only make sense in my head. I try to explain them to you so you’ll understand, hopefully I do a good job…..on the other hand maybe you’re all just scared of the thoughts in my head. I really don’t care, as writing them out helps me, and that’s why I’m doing this.

I am now 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant. It’s hard to look forward, and know that the baby isn’t due until September. In my mind, I look forward to Spring Break, and then the end of the school year, July and August of the summer holiday’s, the kids go back to school, things get settled into a pattern, and then I have the baby. See, it’s really not far away. I know that. I know that it will come sooner than it seems, but it also seems SOOO FAR AWAY!

See, we started trying to get pregnant with Nathaniel in March of 2004(almost 2 years ago - that’s how long this journey has been, and I’m still not finished, in fact I’ve only just begun, again!) It’s been 2 years since I wanted to have a baby, and I never ever thought that I’d have taken the wild ride that I did. To know that once again, I’m started down a path, and as much as I’m confident that we will hold a baby at the end of this particular road…I know that the reality is that it might not be so!

I have found an amazing group of women on a bulletin board who have also experienced loss. I found them shortly after Nathaniel was stillborn about 1 year ago. I have to admit that I have taken breaks from the board from time to time. When I got pregnant with baby #5, I was so full of fear, and all the fear and heartbreak from the other ladies on the board didn’t really help - I would say that it only fostered more fear. I took a break after I lost that baby in July. By September, I was strong enough to go back and re-connect with some of them. Getting pregnant this time is a whole new experience. While I have the reality of what could go wrong, and the loss of innocence and naivety (that I had with my first 3 pregnancies), I also am not consumed with fear. Mostly, I am impatient!

I have to admit that there were times in the beginning that I felt afraid, but not consumed with fear. To me there is a difference……to have an overwhelming sense of fear and doom constantly with you, in every thought, every moment of the day whether you are awake or asleep. It is horrifying! I was actually relieved when I miscarried baby #5. I feel awful saying that, but it’s the truth. Finally my fears were realized, and in that moment I didn’t have to be constantly worrying about if or when it would happen because it was done. I hurt that I lost that child, but I didn’t have to worry about losing it anymore. Sad, eh?

I am more at peace with this pregnancy, but impatient! I want to have my baby now. I don’t want to wait for it. I know that the waiting will only increase my desire for this child, but I have a hard time believing that I could want it more than I do now.

Back to the group of women that I have met through my experiences/losses….I have to admit that while I am happy for all of them who have gotten pregnant after a loss, it can also be very hard. The ladies that I was pregnant with baby #5 have had their babies now. That is so hard. It’s also hard to see some of the ladies who got pregnant in the months before me and are now farther along, and starting to wear maternity clothes and feeling their babies kick and hearing the heartbeats on their dopplers. In some sick perverted way, I am smugly happy about those who are earlier along in their pregnancies than me. When I see their tickers marking how far along they are and they are only 4 weeks and 5 days or 6 weeks and 2 days….something about that makes me happy that I am farther along than them.

Understand that I am thrilled for all of them whether they have had their babies, or are farther along than me or are behind me. We are united in our love for our lost and unborn children, and our waiting for the day when we can meet our new little ones , our hope for our futures, and our losses.

My wish for all of them is that they have amazing pregnancies, and healthy babies at the end of their wait. I just wish that it would happen faster for me.