Remember that thing about HONESTY……
Well, I’ve been fighting with myself for over an hour. I really want to be honest with my feelings, but really didn’t want to post this.
I’m having a VERY BAD DAY. I have been scared, and crying. I have no reason for this. Nothing has happened. There is nothing to indicate that anything bad is going to happen, but that is part of the problem. There are really no indications of well, anything at all yet.
What do I mean?
Well, I am 10 weeks pregnant as of yesterday. Feeling sick is really not a comfort to me. I was still sick almost up till the end of my last pregnancy when I lost the baby at 15 weeks. Now, the degree of nausea had lessened some, and that had me worried, but really being sick or not sick – it doesn’t change how I feel right now.
I really have no reason to be scared or upset, but I am. It’s so hard. I have been feeling pretty good with more up days than down ones. Today is definately a down one. And NO, I’m not feeling like I’ve fallen into a hole of depression. I’m just having a bad day. I wish I had never lost a baby, let alone 2 of them. I wish I could just go back to the days when I was pregnant and “Ignorance was Bliss.” I wish I could go back to the times when I never ever even thought about something going wrong.
Now, I know too much. I wish that the thoughts of, “Is my baby even still alive?” or “How do I know if it’s still alive?” “What will I do if I lose another one?” “Will I lose another one?” See, there is nothing that I can do except trust and wait, and I’m having a really hard time with that right now. It’s all so hard!
I keep trying to tell myself that everything will be okay, and that worrying about it will not make anything better. It’s really not making me feel any better. I’m not sure that anything will make me feel better. See, I thought that I was out of the miscarriage danger zone with the last one, and yet still I lost my baby. Even when I get to the point of feeling my baby move….Nathaniel was alive and moving one day, and dead the next…..See, nothing I could do about it. I can’t stop it from happening. There is nothing I can do. I feel so out of control. I wish there was something that I could do to ensure the safety of my child. I feel so helpless and even hopeless thinking that I can’t protect this baby. If it is it’s time to go, then I can’t stop anything from happenning.
Yah, this is me being honest about how I’m feeling. I’m not going to apologize for how I’m feeling. It feels a little better to talk about it instead of just thinking about it, but again….it doesn’t change anything. I feel like I have no control over this area of my life. I feel like I’m just here for the ride. It’s such a hard and long ride. I wish there was something I could do. It seems like I’ve been pregnant forever, and yet I’ve got so long to go. It’s hard, so very hard.
Looking forward to hopefully sunny days for tomorrow.
February 25th, 2006 @ 10:21 pm
praying for you, love you
February 26th, 2006 @ 11:16 am
Maybe if you lived in Corsica where the sun is shining practically every day!!!
No? OK.. Well maybe one day. In the meantime, here’s some big virtual hugs from us both.
]])
(err… so uh… is there an emoticon for a hug?)
February 26th, 2006 @ 6:52 pm
Hey Patty
Reading your blog this time, reminded me so much of what I went thru when I was pregnant with Mary. Having lost twins at 25 or 26 weeks – the trauma of all that, made me fear all the same things you are. I couldn’t trust anything about my pregancy, because now I knew that anything could happen. At first I’d tell myself, once I felt the baby move, I’d be better. Then when ‘she’ moved, I thought, “No ..you can’t trust that either. So..I won’t trust anything til I hold the baby” and then I realised even that could be a false hope. You’re so right, when you say that you no longer have the bliss of ignorance. Once you know ‘loss’, it seems to try and shadow the joy of every pregancy after that. Like a wolf that just loves to linger on the edge of a campfire – jsut close enough to let you know it’s there & threaten you by it’s existence, but not close enough to expose itself fully and be dealt with! Only you can walk this journey. There’s so many ‘pat’ answers – but they only made me angier..and I bet they would you too! What I can say is that you must get a word from God for THIS time – this pregancy – and then hang on to THAT word, with all your worth. My word won’t probably help you, but my word was ‘TRUST’. It came alive to me in a whole new way, and it’s never left me since. I think that in some strange way, that revelation of ‘trust in God’ was my babies gift to me. I gave them love – through their death, they taught me what it was to really trust God – they gave me ‘life’ on a different level, that I’d never known before. Would I give it up to hold them? Ya…but that won’t happen, and their gift to me remains – strengthens me still in my hard times. AND…that gift of ‘trust in God’ was working in me, while I carried Mary – and what a gift she has turned out to be. From her very first breath, she seemed to look at me as if to say ” Here I am Mom – not as a replacement for my sisters – but here I am, as my own gift to you !Love me – Enjoy me now – I’m here!”
Birthing Mary after losing my twins, brought me full circle. Now I never cease to marvel at a healthy pregnancy, a full term delivery and a healthy baby. I never take it for granted anymore – maybe that was another gift too. I don’t know! But I do know, that you will walk this thru…You will find your ‘light’ at the end of this tunnel. YOu will continue to heal – but you never forget the baby ( or in my case the babies) you lost – and I think that’s a good thing. This world we live in, throws away so many babies each year with no thought, no grief, no saddness. Atleast our children Patty, tho they never knew the light of day, know they were loved – our gift to them! Blessings my friend. I’ll keep praying for you.
February 26th, 2006 @ 9:29 pm
I think Pam has said it all Patty Bless her and bless you with a special WORD from the Lord