I am baking up a storm today……like a freakin’ maniac.

I love to bake, and yet haven’t baked hardly anything since before I got pregnant the last time.  I must be feeling better, or more positive emontionally or more normal or whatever you might say to describe the mood that I’m in right now.  I wouldn’t really call it a mood though.  More a “state of being.”

I love the fact that when I bake, typically, I don’t eat.   Not that I don’t eat anything at all during the day, but when I am baking I am usually very stable emotionally.  As a result, I have very wonderful eating habits. 

What have I made today??? 

Well, Let’s go back to this morning.  I drove the kids to school in my pyjamas.  Pyjama bottoms and a hoodie - First time I’ve ever done that.  I’m getting all lazy free and easy.  I don’t think that I’ve ever, in the last 4 years of schooling, not looked really good when I went to the school.  By really good, I mean clothes on, and hair and make up done.  I have an image to uphold - I’ve got to look perfect.  I couldn’t possibly have people know that I’m not perfect, could I???  Obviously, over the last few weeks, I’ve eased up on that particular issue.  Me!  Yup, I’m now officially a slob.  I even contemplated going to Michaels after I dropped them off, but the stench from my not showerd for 4 day body convinced me otherwise.  So I went home and had a shower. 

Spruced up a little, picked up J from school and then Jon from a meeting with a client.  We met my grandparents for lunch, and then went grocery shopping.  We dropped the groceries off at the house, and then went to pick up the girls.  Dropped off a computer with a different client, and then came home. 

Then I started baking.  Yup, after all of that!  The first thing was not really baking as much as it was stirring.  Geli and I made Rice Krispie Squares.  One batch was regular, and the other batch had mini chocolate M&M’s in it.  Then I made some chocolate chip cookies.  They are baking right now.  I also have the ingredients for two Zucchini Loafs’s, and  one Lemon Poppy Seed Loaf sitting on the counter warming to room temperature.  I would have made more, but I ran out of butter.  We’ve already been out so much today that I oculdn’t convice Jon to go and get  some for me.  Oh well!

All of this says that I should be in a great frame of mind, and in some ways I am.  In others though, I’m a little frustrated.  Well, I’m a lot frustrated.

I’ve been thinking about the whole prenancy thing, lately.  I really want to be pregnant.  I want to get pregnant.  I want to stay pregnant, and I want a baby.

I think that I am or should be expecting a “visit” shortly.  It’s been 4.5 weeks since the D&C.  As much as we’ve not been trying to get pregnant, we’ve not been preventing, and I’d love to find out that I really was pregnant - but am really not expecting that I am.  It would be too much of a miracle.

I need a miracle.  In order for us to get pregnant and for it to stick - I’m asking for a miracle.  It’s hard.  This sucks.  I’m frustrated!  Not depressed, but not really thrilled.  Apparently though by the amount of baking that will be sitting on my counter tonight……I’m fairly emotionally stable.  So no worries on that front.