Well, It’s 11:30pm and I’m sitting here all by myself.  Feeling alone, and a little pissed.  Jon went to a friend’s house tonight.  I really don’t know if he’s coming home or not. He said he’d call me, and he hasn’t yet.

He does so much, and has so little down time, that I don’t feel like I can tell him that he can’t go, and yet…….I’m sitting here all by myself. 

It’s hard because, for the most part, I don’t really want to go out and do stuff.  He said to me tonight, “If you wanted to go anywhere, I would move heaven and earth to make it happen.“  That’s all nice and good, but over the past 2 years, I’ve not really wanted to go anywhere.

I think that part of the problem is that we deal with things differently.  When I feel like I need some support or a pick-me-up, I want to be away from people, preferably with Jon nearby.  When Jon needs some support or a pick-me-up, he wants to be with people - lots of people.  Such Opposites - Kind makes it hard, eh?

He is such a people person, and his job is such that he’s not in contact with a real live touchable person 24 hours a day- I think he feels a little lot alone.  I, on the other hand, am, for the most part, thrilled with my little short, not too often visits into the human world.  For the most part, I am happy.  Yes, I do need people.  I know this.  I do get awfully lonely if I spend too much time alone.  BUT I can also handle being alone way better than Jon can.

In the past, I would have taken tonight’s activities as total rejection by Jon - As in - “He doesnt want to be with me.  He wants to be with his friends more than he wants to be with me.“  I don’t feel like that…well, most of me doesn’t feel like that.  If you scroll up to the top of the post you’ll see where I am upset ’cause I don’t know if he’s coming home tonight or not.  The thoughts behind the words written down go like this.

“If he really loved me then he’d rather be at home in his own bed with me, and not with his buddies.”

I know it’s not true that he’d rather be with his friends than with me.  I know that he loves me.  I also know that he needs “personal” time.  I think that some of comes down to me feeling inadequate. I just wish that I could fulfill all that his needs.  That he could get everything from me.  I know that this is something that I can’t give to him, and I hate that I can’t. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough.

And so, here I sit wallowing in self pity, wondering……..