Taking Turns Being Strong
I’m a little scared……..
Jon made a Doctor’s appointment to talk about depression.
About 2 years ago during one of our fights, Jon pulled the depression card. Seeing as I’ve danced precariously close to the edge of that particular hole quite a bit over the past couple of years, my retort was to just go and deal with it. By “dealing with it“ I meant, “Go and talk to the doctor, determine if you are legitimately depressed, and figure out a game plan to how to deal with it.” I sound really compassionate, don’t I?
He’s pulled that card a few times since then, but never done anything about it. Finally, (and I’m not sure what tipped the scales as there were a lot of things that happened all at the same time) he made an appt to go and see our doctor. The Doc listened to him talk about a bunch of stuff, asked a bunch of questions, hmmmd and haaawd, gave him a questionaire to fill out, mentioned that it did sound like it could be depression, and told him to drop off the completed form and make another appointment.
If I sound a little cold or “factual” about this, it’s probably because in some ways I feel like I need to go “there” (there being that place where things are factual, and the true impact of it all doesn’t really hit me) in order to cope with everything.
Coming on the top of the Stillbirth, the miscarriages, starting up our company, dealing with our finances, and dealing with relationship/communication issues – some if not all of which contribute to the afore mentioned depression – the depression of my spouse is really hitting me hard.
Just for anyone who is wondering, Jon is not laying in bed crying all day, nor is he entertaining thoughts of suicide. Life is just really hard to deal with.  Day to day menial tasks that shouldn’t be too difficult to handle are overwhelming, and it is way easier to just ignore everyting or escape into work stuff. His memory is affected, and he is not retaining things. He is fairly tired most of the time, and stuff just ain’t getting done the way it did a few years ago. We still have to get up in the mornings, and we have a business that we are actively working on. We don’t really have to time or resources to just stop and stew for a while. We have to keep going. I have to step in and do what I can to keep “the machine” moving and running smoothly. Fortunately, I excel in the areas of organization and management and can help to alleviate and streamline those areas of our business. Yah Me!(rolls eyes)
In some ways, I completely understand. I, too,  have felt overwhelmed by life and everything that I have to do. I have let things slide, like housework and kids stuff. I have woken up feeling tired after 10 hours of sleep, and then felt too tired to really get anything done other than feeding the kids. In some areas I can be understanding, and in others, I just don’t understand at all.
I am freaked out by the unknown……….
What is going to happen? What does it mean for Jon to be depressed? Is it going to affect us trying to conceive a baby? Am I selfish to still want to have one? If he goes on medication, will it affect us trying to have a baby? What will he be like on meds? Am I going to have to do everything in the family and around the house? Will he get better, or is this something we will be dealing with forever? The questions go on and on and on…..
Mentally and emotionally, I am feeling the strongest that I have felt in a very long time. That deep dark hole that I’ve referred to in the past – I don’t feel like I’m anywhere near it. I feel rock solid – sort of…. The unknown is freaking me out, but other than that I’m doing good.Â
In all of this, my biggest fear is that I’ll get left trying to hold everything together by myself. For someone who has recently realized that they have spent all of their life feeling responsible for everyone’s happiness, and in some twisted way trying to accomplish that – this is VERY, VERY SCAREY. I don’t want to ever go back there to that place. I could never do what I was trying to do.  I took on too much and felt like a major failure, not to mention that what I was trying to do was an impossibility. I want to do what I’m supposed to do, but the world’s happiness is not my responsibility. You all gotta take care of yourselves. Sorry ’bout that, but it’s just the way it is!
I know that in relationships, both people are not always super strong and on the top of their game one hundred percent of the time. I know that I have spent my fair share of time where I needed Jon’s help and support.  I know that right now it’s my turn to be strong. I’m just wondering how long I have to be strong for.? How long do I have before I crack? Will I have enough to make it until Jon is better? Will he get better? So many questions, and just not enough answers.Â
It’s all really hard!
May 31st, 2006 @ 10:07 pm
I know it’s such a horrible feeling knowing that someone you love could feel depressed. One thing you can be thankful that Jon is willing to acknowledge that he may need help. So many people wait until they are so deep in depression and by that time have taken everyone down with them. I will pray for God’s stregnth and healing to surround you all.
May 31st, 2006 @ 11:05 pm
Relax!! Jon finding out that he has been in a depression DOESNT mean he will suddenly stop doing everything, and you will have to be strong for him. What it meant for ‘us’, was that hubby finally got on some meds that helped him think more clearly – because the ‘whirling’ in his brain finally stopped. It also helped him get some sleep – so that the extreme tiredness which effects them being able also, think clearly, REMEMBER what you’ve asked them to do, and actually have the energy to tackle jobs – instead of feeling overwhelmed by the smallest one! So..it’s a good thing. It will just ‘even’ things out, until his own body starts kicking back in with the right chemical and hormonal balances. See, if you stay in a depression long enough, undiagnoised, what happens is your body gets depleted of the very chemicals it needs to run smoothly, handle stress etc. Anyways..don’t worry. It will help him realise too, that he’s not just a ‘loser’ who isn’t being a man or can’t handle life – which is what depression does to men – they start to question their own manhood. ( YOu know the old ‘ a REAL man would be able to…’ yada yada yada! Asking for help is HUGE! Taking it is even more! But tha tmeans freedom and health and energy is just around the corner!! and YOU will end up with a husband who can handle more, because he’s feeling stronger – which in turn will make you feel more secure! ….sorry…long answer! ..short answer..”I’ll be praying for you.”
May 31st, 2006 @ 11:18 pm
We are praying for you both and we are here for you The hour is late , will talk to you to-morrow Lots of love
June 2nd, 2006 @ 12:52 pm
Having been through it with my sister, I appreciate the scariness…or perhaps the feeling of helplessness is more to the point. Don’t know if you knew this, but with her, the meds got all screwed up…an MD prescribed her anti-depressants, ritulin, and sleep aids…a ticking bomb cocktail….since one countered the other, she kept messing around with her doses. I saw her sliding, and there was nothing we could do. By then she was done with reality and would not listen to anyone…the psychotic break came fast and unexpected. This is not to scare you…this is to suggest that if an MD says “meds”, get a second opinion…from a psychiatrist. They know what meds to use, proper use and proper diagnosis..ie: “depression” is a blanket for literally hundreds of chemical and non chemical conditions..and each can be identified and given a name. MD’s give you meds and send you packing, with little follow up…trained psychiatrist’s or psychologists might prescribe but they also explore to ensure it’s not JUST a chemical imbalance. In Lori’s case, she believed her MD who kept insisting it “was just a chemical imbalance”, and he kept her on meds for 6 years, then she had the break, and now she’s probably on them for life. If a chemical imbalance is the bona fide cause of a depression then the meds should kick every thing back right within 6 mos – 1 yr…if longer, then the root source of the depression is likely much deeper, and more than meds are needed…counselling, cognitive therapy etc. Unfortunately, Lori had to find that out the hard way. I’m not anti meds etc…I’m just pro “be careful, be sure, and get a 2nd opinion”.
If you ever want to talk more about it, let me know. I’m no expert, but have done some excellent training with Dr. Joe Soetanto ..he’s a psychiatrist who “wrote the book” on the effects of victimization, and chemical affects in the brain…and just having some light shed on the complex world of “meds vrs no meds”, chemical vrs spiritual etc. can be very helpful. I have much material I can lend you, or if you want.. would just love to be your sounding board.