I found out today that the baby that we lost in March was a little girl.  I think that when the kids get home today we will name her.  It makes it so much more real to know that “it” was actually a “her”.  We actually lost a little girl.  I really wanted a little girl.  I would have been thrilled with another boy, but somehow knowing that I lost what I had hoped I’d have was sad.  It’s all sad.  I wonder, would she have looked like Geli who looks like Jon’s side of the family or would she have looked like Xandra who looks like my side of the family.  Would she have been like Jeremy who has a lot of both of us in his looks?  It’s fun to wonder about these things in the middle of the sadness of the loss.

It’s hard ’cause once again you have to deal with the reality of the loss, and how much it hurts.  It’s hard ’cause I’m desperatly hoping that this month will be our month to get pregnant with the one that’s going to stay wth us.  I so want to believe that.  I want to believe that it’s going to happen sooner rather than later.  I want to believe that everything is going to be fine this time.  That this next child will live. 

There was no reason that they could find as to why our little girl died.  The tests showed that she had been dead for a week or 2 or 3.  They dated her as being 9 weeks.  I thought I was 12 weeks along.  The technician at the hospital said she looked about 11 weeks.  So, who knows!  Not that it really matters any way.  It’s done!  Can’t change anything now!  Just have to have hope for the future.  Sucks that there is nothing that they can do.  I almost wish that there was something easy to fix, but I’ve said all of this before. 

Oh well!  I think that I’ll just havie a quiet day today.  I’m not upset, just thinking.  Done so much thinking lately!  Sometimes my brain hurts.  Jon’s doing good!  He snores now!  Brutal!  Used to be that it was only once in a while.  Now it’s as soon as he falls asleep.  Fabulous, ain’t it?  He’s still a little short when the kids get annoying or whiney, but getting better, sort of, I think, maybe, aaaaahhhhh who knows!  Tired of analyzing every little thing.

J’s cute!  He comes running up to me the other day when we were on a walk.  Mom, my skills are killing me.  Ah, he’s so cute.  Total Napolean Dynamite moment.  Until he lifts up his shirt and points at his side.  He has a stitch, and his fabulous language abilities have enabled him to go from “ribs” to “gills” to “skills” Cute, eh?

Xan said something really funny the other day, as well.  If I remember it, I’ll let ya know!  Tonight and tomorrow we are at a financial seminar learning how to be financially seminar-ized.  We should have some “skill”s when we are done.  Hopefully, anyway!