I feels like nothing interesting is really happening in my life right now.  I’m sure I could try and make a whole ton of stuff up – it might keep you all entertained, but…..wouldn’t really be telling the truth.

 Today was pretty much of a nothing day.  I did nothing.  Yup.  Well, I folded a huge mountain of laundry.  I did about 5 or 6 loads of laundry yesterday, and as they finished, I brought the basket upstairs and dumped the clothes onto the floor in my living room.  Nice, eh?  Had  HUGE mountain this morning.  It’s all folded and 3/4 of it is put away.  So, I guess that I haven’t done nothing.  It just feels like nothing.

I’ve been stressing a little, know how I know???  I have no fingernails left.  I haven’t chewed my fingernails in so long.  I think that things are just getting to me.  I even ripped my baby toe off, and that’s not a good thing. 

I never realized it before, but you know how some people cut themselves with razors.  Something about feeling numb, and to be able to feel the pain makes you realize that your still alive or it takes your mind off what your dealing with at that exact time or something like that.  I was thinking about that a while back and wondering if some of that was what I was doing.  I wouldn’t just chew my finger nails.  I would chew them until they were bloody stumps, and they’d hurt so bad that I couldn’t even hardly pick anything up.  I’d rip off the edges of my finger nails like they were hang-nails, and then it’d get infected and hurt even more.  When I had no fingernails left or they hurt too bad – which was saying a lot – then I’d pick at my toe nails.  I’d rip the nails right out of my toes.  It hurt!  I think that somehow that was the point.

The pain was something else for me to focus on, and not what ever miserable situation I happened to be in at the time.

It’s not that I had a particularly bad childhood.  I think that most of the “hard-ness” of it all was inside my head.  I felt so insecure and uncomfortable with others that I’d retreat into my own little world as much as I could so I wouldn’t have to face anyone else.

RIght now, I have pretty much chewed my fingernails off.  Not as bad as I used to when I was a teenager, but I have chewed them right down.  I have chewed the skin from around my nails.  I have even ripped out the edges of one baby fingernail, and I think it is infected.  Last night, while laying in bed reading; I was attempting to chew at my fingers.  At some point I realized that there was nothing left to chew, and so I ripped off my baby toe nail.  I did this with out even realizing that I had done it.  Then I was mad!

Mad at my self for doing this.  It’s been so long since I’ve felt “?whatever?” enough to inflict pain upon myself.  Mad that I hadn’t stopped before I did.  Mad that I feel upset enough to do this.  Mad at whatever circumstances have contributed to me feeling that way.  Mad and Ticked Off!

I’m some ways – I am shocked that I am back here (where ever here is?).  I am also so aware of how I am feeling.  This is a very good thing.  I have felt so “hazy” for the last few years… even before I lost Nathaniel.  I think that it’s been since I had my two cousins living with me.  I looked after my 2 cousins for about 6 months.  They are the same age and youger than Jeremy.  When I looked after them they were 2 (almost 3) and 1 year old.  I had 5 very young kids in the house, and eventually the stress of it all wore me right out.  I think that was my first real  interaction with depression.  I wouldn’t admit it to myself or anyone else back then.  That was about 3 years ago.  It took me almost a year to work myself out of that hole.  It was those feelings that I have used as a gauge to figure out where I stand depression-wise.  Over the past year and  half, specifically since I lost Nathaniel, I felt like I was in that hazy kinda funk.  Not nearly as bad as I was when I crashed right after having the boys, but sorta close.

It makes me realize just how good I am doing now.  That sounds like a funny statement to make especially after I just told you how I am hurting myself.  Believe me, it wasn’t on purpose, and it won’t happen again, if I can help it, but I’m feeling!  That’s amazing!  I’m feeling alive!  I’m feeling the little things getting to me and that’s good.  Before I was in too much of a funk to feel anything specific.  Everything was just one giant hurt rolled together, and it was way too overwhelming.  I just kinda barely functioned.

So, I guess what I’m wrapping up with, is that I’m doing really well in the middle of all my struggles.  Struggling sucks!  I wish that everything was good and easy!  I wish that I would never have to go through anything hard again.  But, I know that whatever happens….I’ll be okay!  If I can get through the past few years and emerge from the fog, still kicking…….I can make it.

Now I just need the sanity to be able to make it through the next 2 weeks of waiting.  Wish me patience, a whole bunch of fertilization thoughts and the ability to not be too terribly upset if things don’t turn out MY way!  Thanks!