I started to write out the title as “A New Beginning“, but somehow it just didn’t seem right.

I feel like I’ve begun too many times, and not actually completed (in a way that I’d like) the journey.  I guess, if I actually stop and think about it, I have started and completed the journey as far as I was allowed to go, each time; but saying or thinking that, doesn’t make me feel any better about what’s happened over the last 2 years.

If you are new here, you could read this or this to get a better understanding of what’s gone on over the last while.  I started this website almost a year ago.  About 1 month after our second loss.  Our son Nathaniel was still born in January of 2005 at 25 weeks gestation.  I got pregnant in March 2005, and had a miscarriage at 15 weeks in July 2005.  I waited 3 months to try to get pregnant again, and then it took another 3 months of trying, and I found out that I was pregnant in January 2006.  Sadly, that pregnancy ended with another miscarriage at 12 weeks in March 2006.  We’ve been trying since then to get pregnant, and it looks like we have succeeded.

As I think through all I want to say, this could probably get long……go and get yourself a coffee or tea……I’ll wait…..Go Ahead!  No Worries!…..

So, It looks like I’m pregnant!  I took a test, and there was a second line.  I know that I peed on the stick not expecting to see anything.  I actually felt like I should just be taking a $10 bill, and peeing on it and flushing it down the toilet.  I’m normally a watcher.  I like to watch the pee climb up the absorb-able stick, and turn the second, control line pink.  This time, I peed on the test, and put it on the counter.  That’s how much confidence I had in it actually being positive.  When I had finished my business, and turned around to wash my hands - I looked at the test, and was surprised that there appeared to be a second line.  My first thought was, “Great!  and I have to get the defective test that shows that I’m pregnant when I’m not!“ 

The rational side of my brain argued with the unbelieving side and said that unless I actually had the pregnancy hormone in my system (which would mean that I was, in fact, pregnant), that there wouldn’t be a second line.  Not only that, but why hadn’t I started my period yet, and now that I was thinking…….I’d been extra tired lately.  Enough so that I was starting to wonder what was wrong with my house……did we have monoxide floating around?  I know that’s not the case, because we have our furnace checked every year, and nothing’s the matter, but still, I had wondered what was going on with me, that I felt soooo tired compared to how amazing I felt up at the lake just days ago!  There were a few other signs that I didn’t catch either.  Things like, I spent the whole day that we went for that overnighter just after camping, either tearing up or crying.  Overly Emotional - nice!  and I didn’t have the few lovely ginormous ZITS that I usually get just before my period.  Aren’t you glad for this extra info about me?  I know you are!

So, I do have a Doctor’s appt on Tuesday with the specialist and I guess he will confirm the pregnancy, maybe order some bloodwork - ’cause I haven’t had enough done in the last year said very sarcastically - and hopefully tell me what our plan of action is for the next little while.

I’m all sorts of “thought-ed” out right now.  I feel a lot of peace, and I’m not sure if that’s ’cause I’m not really accepting the reality of it all, or if it’s because it seems like a miracle that we even got pregnant this time around.  Our timing was off - I felt.  Jon wasn’t around exactly when “it” was all supposed to shake down.  Obviously, the job got done, but why this month when we’d “tried” so hard the last 2.  Maybe that’s exactly why!  I relaxed a little!  Stoppped trying so hard to make it happen!  Let go!  Who Knows?!? 

We have told the kids, and obviously I’ve told all of you!  The way I see it is that I have to be happy for every moment I get.  I guess to say it better would be to say that I choose to enjoy or relish every moment that I’m given.  My kids know better than a lot of folks what the pain of loss is, and while I’d not wish that onto them - it’s our reality.  They know that Life is a cycle, and that Death is a part of Life, and they know that it hurts, but that you keep on going.  They too should be allowed to be happy for every moment we are given.  They have asked and prayed for us to have a baby, and I feel that they should be allowed to have time when they can see that there is an answer to their prayers.  It’s not my job to protect them from everything that life brings, but to lead and guide them through the ups and the downs so that they can be better people.

Life’s not Fair, and sometimes it hurts, but I feel that if you choose, You can have a better appreciation and respect for the happiness life brings and the good moments. Enjoy the good things with every ounce of your being, and don’t just let them slip by as un-important or mundane!

This is a different pregnancy for me!  I feel different right now!  I accept that things might not go as I would wish, and I know that it would hurt, but that I would survive.  Now, I’m not expecting the negative outcome, but my reality has shown that things don’t always turn out as you would like them to.  I really am hoping for a baby - a live baby at the end of it all, but I’m okay right now!  I’m okay with just being okay!

I can only take things one day at a time.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to write out the weeks or months onto a calendar and look forward.  As much as that is fun, I’ve done that, and erasing it or just looking at it hurts too much!  I think that as much as I can, I’ll just live in today, and be thankful for every day that I’ve had.  So far, I’ve had 2 full days of knowing that I’m pregnant, and I’m thrilled for the opportunity that I’ve been given.  I am carrying a life.  This little life will, in whatever small way, be loved with everything in me for every moment that he or she is mine, and if I have to let go, then I will!  Until then I will do my best to enjoy the moments we have together, ’cause if we only have a set amount of time, I don’t want it to be full of fear and dread, but rather of Love and Joy!

Don’t think that I’m blissfully unaware of the road that I get to travel.  The road ahead of me has the potential to be incredibly difficult, but I hope to travel it with grace!  I hope I can accept life with joy, and that I can bear what lies ahead of me without bitterness, and that I can show and receive love for and from all who walk the journey with me.

Thank you for all you past support.  I need you now, more than ever!