I’ve got a million things rolling around in my brain right now, and I can’t seem to really settle on any one!

I didn’t go swimming this morning. My heels look and feel atrocious! I didn’t feel like putting on band-aids, and then going swimming and having the scab that is on them go all gooey, and then ripping the band-aids off when I was done swimming so that I could let them dry out again! Sounds disgusting, eh?!? It is! (planning to go on Monday)

I’ve been feeling a little down lately, not much, but just thinking about having a baby, and how this’s been a hell of a trip, and I’m so sick of it already, and can’t we just get on with things already! But then, I am driving around town, and for some reason think of my 4 babies that I never got to know, and then next thing you know – I’m sitting at a red light bawling! I just want to get pregnant, and stay pregnant, and then have my baby! Is that too much to ask? Sometimes it feels like it is……………….

Not that I’m not thrilled for everyone who has had a kid, has been or is pregnant during this whole journey of mine – why would I resent you getting what I so desperately want! You having your child really has no bearing on me and my children! I’m happy for you, and at the same time – sad for me! It might not make much sense, but so much of what I’ve gone through doesn’t make sense – I don’t try too hard any more to make it make sense.

I’d put on a bit of weight from my vacation in August until now. I think that the walking to and from school is helping, and the swimming! I’m down a few pounds this morning. Not that I really know how much – it had just gone back up to around 200 (OUCH) and now it’s down around 195 (still OUCH, but maybe a little less). I guess I’ll just keep working at it, but sometimes I just want to give up! Problem with that is that I’m right on the edge of being comfortable with myself – not that I’m happy being 195, but……. physically, if i get even just a little bit heavier, then I really notice it. I’m uncomfortable in my own skin! The thing that I question is that I seem to be able to hover right around 195 – 200 with NO EFFORT! Why isn’t that the same for 180! I’ve been down that low, but it seems an effort to stay there! Why is that? Hmmmmmm………

I helped out in Geli’s class today! First time I ever helped out in her class (she’s in grade 4). I’ve always had the younger kids to look after! It was kinda funny, mind you Xan’s flippin’ out that I’ve not been to her class yet, but truthfully – even though I like her teacher, and I think that she’ll be really good for Xan – SHE SCARES THE CRAP OTTA ME! She’s not bad, just very forward! You’d think that I should be okay with that, but not so much – I’m working on it!

I realized that I missed my one year anniversary (in Aug sometime)! Not that I’m so huge on stuff like that, but I remember thinking in the beginning – I wonder if I’ll have enough to say to keep me going for a year! Apparently verbal diarrhea isn’t a problem for me! Thanks for coming along for the ride it’s been fun – Now if only I knew who exactly was along for the ride………….hint, hint, hint…..

I really need to clean up the house before the weekend – I’m starting to feel like I’m a broken record in regards to this one. Really! My house is not all that bad, but I always feel like there’s more that I could be or should be doing!

I think that my cycle is a little messed up this time around, but in a good way! Normally I have an extra week tacked onto the beginning! I seemed to have skipped that week and now I’ve fast tracked to the second half of the cycle, so if I do have good news, it will probable come at the end of next week. If not, then you can read a post about how bummed I am. See, something to look forward to, Aren’t you excited? It’s like a cliff hanger…………sorta….

Well, on that note! Seeing as I’ve probably given you way to much info! I’m off!