So, I lost some more weight, and I’ve been wanting to put a picture on here, but apparently Jon can’t take very clear pictures. He took about 6 different shots, and every single one is blurry. I’ve been putting off posting this because I’m all about quality over here (ha ha), and well…….I figure that if I don’t just throw something up, then I’m never going to, because I had really big plans for doing this exact thing last week, and here we are this week, and again I’m late.

So, here is the crappy picture, and then I’ll talk a bit more.

I had my second weigh-in for Weight Watchers on Thursday. I was so excited because I had lost 2 pounds the week before, and I had eaten pretty much the same. I hadn’t gone over on any of my points, and I had only used about 3 of my 35 bonus points. I was pretty confident that this week was going to be good, as well.

It wasn’t until about 3:00pm that I started to freak out. “What if I didn’t lose 2 pounds this week? What if I only lost one? That’s what I should do. I should get myself prepared to only have lost 1 pound, and then I won’t be disappointed with myself if I haven’t lost 2 pounds……WEEELLLL, What if I haven’t even lost 1 pound? What if it’s only half a pound? I should prepare myself to have lost only half a pound and THEN I won’t be disappointed when I haven’t lost 1 pound.”

You’d think that I should have stopped there, eh? BUT NO! I even started to stress about the half a pound loss. I didn’t want to set myself up with an expectation that I would have lost “a certain amount”, and then instead of being proud that the scale went down – I was disappointed and considered myself a failure. I talked myself into being happy if I only lost .1 of a pound. I told myself that even if it was only that, that the scale was headed in the right direction, and I should be proud of myself.

Well, that’s not the case. I did lose. I didn’t lose 2 pounds, and so it was good that I hadn’t set myself up to expect that, but I did lose 1.6 pounds. I have to say that I was disappointed that I hadn’t lost more, but I think that I should have set myself a positive goal.

This is where it gets really numberific (I don’t think that’s a real word, but who cares)….so if this stuff bores you skip ahead a little.

When I started Weight Watchers 2 weeks ago, I was 192.8 pounds. In the first week, I lost 2 pounds exactly. That put me at 190.8. I should have set my next goal at under 190. I haven’t been under 190 in a billion years. I should be thrilled that I’m 189.2. My next goal is 5 pounds. So far I’ve done 3.6, so I just need to do another 1.4 pounds. I’m really hoping that I can do that this week. Hopefully I’m not setting myself up to be disappointed. I can do it. I know I can. I might just have to exercise a bit more this week, just to be certain.

I’m excited, and saddened all at the same time. I know that I’ve lost more than the 3.6 pounds that I have since starting WW. I know that I lost approx. 5 more pounds from when I went on that cleanse.

I am wearing jeans that I haven’t in a Loooooooong time. I can fit into shirts that there was no chance this side of the Rockies that I was ever fitting into. At the same time, I don’t feel any thinner. That is the sad part. I need to figure out what’s going on inside my head at the same time so that I can see myself as I really am. I remember when I had my one year wedding anniversary, and I weighed 180. I thought I was so fat, and I was so embarrassed with the shape I was in. Contrast that with the 220 pounds that I was, when I didn’t even see that I was overweight. It wasn’t until I hit 235 that I realized that I was headed into obesity. I know that based on weight I had hit the obese level a while ago, but in my mind – it was at that point that I had a choice. I could buy the next size up in dresses, because they were all that was really comfortable, and embrace my size, or I could start working at it and lose some weight. I was physically uncomfortable in my skin. I would grunt when I bent over or when I was down on the floor playing with the kids and had to get up. I was not a healthy person.

I started losing weight, and I did. I lost about 50 pounds. I even kept it off. I still saw myself as overweight. I was scared that I’d get complacent about where I was at. I was obsessed about what I put in my mouth. At one point, I even wondered if I had a problem. I never threw up or starved myself, but I wouldn’t say that I was in any better shape than someone who does. I thought about food all the time. I obsessed about every bite I put in my mouth. I felt guilty for every bad thing I ate. It was not a good time.

I don’t want to get back there. I don’t want food to have POWER over me. I want to be able to be healthy without thinking about it all the time. I think that I’m on my way there.

I had to write down everything that I ate for 3 days to give to my Natural Practitioner. I had to measure everything, and include everything. After doing this, I realized that I really do eat quite healthy. I’m not ashamed of what I wrote down. I’m not a fanatic. I’m not perfect. I still eat a few things that are “bad” for me, but over all I have a pretty healthy diet. Weight Watchers or not, regardless, I think that I’m headed in the right direction.

I am just so thankful to my Grandma for enabling me to be able to do Weight Watchers. Without her help, I would not have this amazing opportunity . I am so grateful to her. She is such a blessing to me. I only wish you all had someone so wonderful in your lives.