Well, I had a Doctor’s Appointment today. Those are so much fun!

This one was actually quite stressful, and I’ve been a bit wrapped up in myself just recently (hence the “cocoon” comment from yesterday.)

See,……..I’m 12 weeks pregnant! Wow! I can hardly believe that I’m posting this. There is a part of me that just wants to keep it a secret for as long as I could, which - to be honest would not be much longer. My gut is already starting to pop out, but I guess that’s what you get for being pregnant EIGHT TIMES. I could still hide it, and sometimes I do, but it’s getting harder and harder.

I had my 12 week checkup today, and was trying so hard to be calm. It didn’t really work. the doctor took my blood pressure before we looked at the ultrasound, and I WAS A WRECK! He said that my pulse was through the roof. “I could have told you that! Let’s take a peek at my little one so I know how to feel.” So finally we did! When I first saw the little baby, I was sure that the baby wasn’t moving, then…..then…it kicked, and moved and squirmed, and I cried. And I cried and cried and I cried. Not the “brutal bawling snot flinging” kind of crying, but the “just can’t stop the tears from coming out” kind of crying. My doctor is so kind. He left the ultrasound machine on for a long time, and pointed out the heart and the head and the back and the heart and “It’s beating”, and “Look! The baby is holding it’s hands”, and here’s another view, and the placenta is up at the top, and on and on and on. It’s nice to know that he cares.

I wanted so bad for everything to be okay today. I wanted good news. I didn’t want to be let down, again. And I wasn’t. Today I received the best possible news that I could have.

There is such a jumble of thoughts and emotions tumbling through me! I have the knowledge that things are going the best that they possibly could right now. I also know that just because you’ve reached the magical 12 week mark - that doesn’t guarantee you anything. I’m so happy to be pregnant, especially seeing as the losses were happening progressively sooner. This one is further along, and looking good! I believe that this child will live. (This is good) My faith is not always strong, and sometimes I falter with this belief. (Not so good!) I am trusting that everything will go okay (This is good), and yet don’t want to be only focused on the positive so that if something did happen that I would be blindsided. (Not so good) I don’t think this is possible any way! Not for me! Yet again, there are so many things that are contradiction’s. So much fun!

But, it’s not my intention to focus on the negative. I know the realities of life (and death) all too well, but for right now I’m choosing to believe the best for this child and over this pregnancy!

I can’t believe that I’ve made it through all these early weeks without going insane! This is actually the calmest I’ve been since I was pregnant with Jeremy. Even with Nathaniel, I was nervous and just had a……..a……..premonition that something bad might happen.

I’m doing okay! My naturopath even commented on how calm I seem. Not that I really seemed all that calm this morning at the Dr’s office, but I was trying! Really I was, but when your about to find our some news, and you’re really not sure if its going to be the news you want or not……it can be a little nerve wracking.

Any way, I’m excited! We’ve not officially told our kids yet, so if you see us or them, keep it quiet. We’re going to have to tell them soon enough, but I still have a loooooooong time to go before the baby comes, and the more time that goes by, the shorter the wait for them, plus, I just don’t want Xani worrying about whether or not this baby is going to live. She was quite nervous the last time I was pregnant, and she doesn’t need that, and quite frankly, neither do I!

So, if you pray, then pray for peace and strength. Pray for life and health for the baby! But (I will be honest here) I find it hard to answer a ton of questions about how I’m doing and how I’m feeling, so if you would, Please don’t ask! I’ll write it all down here, and you can read and re-read to your hearts content. Believe me! You’ll probably get more about me here then you will if you ask me to my face. It’s easier and even therapeutic to get my thoughts and feelings out here. Especially when it’s about something as wild and amazing as this. Harder when I’m fighting the pitying and ultra-concerned looks from people. It’s not that I don’t appreciate your concern, it just feels a bit overwhelming to me. I’m not meaning to sound rude and I apologize if I do, but if I don’t let you know what I want or how I’m feeling, then how will you ever know.

So, come along for the ride. It’s sure to be fun and full of excitement!

Oh, and I’ve not gained any weight yet! In all my pregnancies - to be at 12 weeks, and not gained a pound!!!!!! This is amazing. Yah for the All Natural Diet!