I had a meeting at the kids school yesterday.

Last week, Jeremy’s teacher came up to me and casually mentioned that she would like to meet with me the next week. Are those not words that every parent wants to hear?

She then said that I didn’t need to be worried (Yah Right – how can I not worry now that you’ve not me to not worry) that they just wanted to talk to me about doing some testing on Jeremy. (….and there’s the kicker!) We tentatively made an appointment for Tuesday, and left it at that.

After school that day, she gave me a paper to sign that would allow a speech pathologist to assess him. (It just keeps getting better and better.)

Yesterday the principal of the school and J’s teacher and I met. The Learning Assistant teacher wasn’t there as he had prior commitments, but that was okay. Two against one was bad enough.

Well, okay……..see, I need to explain. I am so for, getting ANY and ALL the help I can for Jeremy. I know that there are things that he struggles with, and yet I’ve been nervous of doing anything that would negatively affect him going forward in school. It’s also hard to have it all out there, in the open for discussion, that my son is not entirely normal. I mean, I know that, but until it’s written on the white board – it seems more like a personal struggle of something insignificant that we are going through as opposed to an actual PROBLEM that needs to be DIAGNOSED.

I’m thrilled that we’ve moved to this school. I could not have asked for a better teacher for Jeremy for this year. She is amazing, and yet is getting frustrated with him…..this is so sad. The principal is also amazing – so understanding and caring, and loves Jeremy and wants to see him succeed. I guess, that this is part of what make “ALL OF THIS” a little bit easier. I get the feeling that the people at this school really like Jeremy and REALLY WANT to see him succeed in life. So, for testing, we will go. The Learning Assistant teacher will oversee everything, and really – a nicer guy you will never meet. He has sympathized with us regarding Jeremy and his struggles as he says that his son is very similar to Jeremy. This makes it slightly easier as he can identify with us and what we go through.

I don’t mean to say that Jeremy “IS” a problem. In fact, if it weren’t for the fact that if we do NOTHING, he stands a good chance of struggling through out the entire rest of his school life – I might be tempted to do just that. He is a lovable, sweet little boy who is definitely learning. He just has different style and pace of learning than other kids. I would say that his pace is gathering speed, and that he is probably right now in grade one at the same place that my girls were in kindergarten. So he is at least a year behind them on the learning curve. Having said that, he is learning at a faster rate now than he was at the beginning of the year. At least this is a good thing……

Mind you, he has other struggles then just his learning style…I’ll get to that in a bit.

When talking to the LA today when I dropped off more papers that were signed to release everybody and their dog to assess J – he mentioned how cautious he was to “label” Jeremy, or any kid for that matter. He said that so many of the different labels overlap, and while he and others in the school assessment team have taken specialized courses, they are not pediatricians or fully qualified to “label” anyone. This makes me feel better. I don’t want Jeremy to be labeled and discarded as broken or unfix-able. I want to do whatever will help him to succeed in his life. I get the feeling that the staff at his school want that for him too.

Back to his struggles….they have mentioned the label LD or Learning Disabled. Honestly, I’ve wondered this, too. After seeing other kids with ADHD, I really don’t think that he’s hyper. Yes, he has energy, but he’s very calm too. I think that the focus and distraction are too of his biggest issues. The LA described it as if we all have a HUGE White Board that has loads of info on it, and we can look at the whole thing at once to retrieve whatever it is that we need to……well, he thinks that Jeremy’s retrieval window is tiny. As opposed to us being able to see the whole thing, J can only see through a one inch hole at a time, and so has to look and search for whatever he is trying to find. We all believe that he’s not actually a stupid kid. His thinking patterns and capabilities prove that, and the fact that if nudged, he can retrieve what needs to be retrieved…..it’s a matter of trying to find what works to help him be able to retrieve stuff easier.

Also, the LA threw out the thought of the Autistic Spectrum. This area is so huge that it’s hard to see that a kid could have autistic tendencies, because so many people are scared of the actual “autistic” word and what it means.

One big piece of Jeremy’s complex puzzle is that he hasn’t seemed to pick up on the normal social boundaries that most kids naturally pick up on. It doesn’t seem to make sense to him that you can’t touch other people. He is a very tactile child, and loves to be hugged and cuddled, and I don’t think that it even crosses his mind that other’s don’t want to be hugged or touched or pointed at. We’ve told him so many times to keep his hands to himself, and he just doesn’t seem to grasp that concept. The social aspect of this all does lead towards something autistic.

I would not be surprised at all if there was something mixed in between dyslexia, learning disabilities and some mild form of autism (autistic tendencies).

I could keep on going, and I guess that a big part of me spewing it out there is therapeutic to me, and yet I still feel that because I don’t’ have any answers yet – I’m just wasting my time. I’ve been stressing about and worrying about him for so long, and now that some help might finally be on the way, I’m emotionally wrecked. It feels like I’ve been carrying this on my shoulders for far too long, and it’s such a heavy load. I’m not sure if it’s because I feel like I’ve failed him somehow, or if I’m so relieved that I have others to help in this journey. All I know is that it’s difficult…….

I’m so happy that we are going to hopefully get some answers and some ideas on how to best help him succeed, and yet at the same time it’s so sad. I’m sad that I’m not enough. That I can’t make this one all better. I’m sad that he struggles, and I wonder if it was somehow my fault. I’m sad that this is finally a reality, and not just a thought or a possibility.

I really am happy. I’m so thrilled that we will finally get getting help. I’m happy that he’s in a safe and loving place with people who want to see him succeed. I’m happy that we will walk away from this in a better place all around. I’m happy for Jeremy and his future….it seems so much brighter. In the middle of all that happiness, I’m still sad that I can’t just make it all go away and have him be a normal child with no problems.

This is so hard!