Well, I’m sitting here at ten to three in the afternoon, and I don’t quite know what to do with myself.

I am at a loss………..3 of them to be exact. My mother-in-law has whisked away my 3 little devils darlings and is keeping them over night, and bringing them home some time tomorrow. To say that I am appreciative is a complete understatement. I AM IN SHOCK!

I don’t know what to do. There are so many things that I could do, and even some that I want to do, but because of the sheer number of things that I could do racing around inside my brain……..I’m sitting here and talking to you. Avoidance, I think it’s called! Too many decisions, and so the decision to make none of them.

I think that Jon and I might go out for dinner tonight. That would be so nice. We could go to a pub and watch the Canucks game, but I’m not sure that I really want to. We might go to a movie, but I’m not sure that I want to do that either. I really don’t know what I want to do………

I’m sure we’ll figure something out……..we always do, and even doing nothing is a choice.

On Saturday I will be 20 weeks, and in the terms of pregnancy half way there. I’ve never made it to a full 40 weeks, and so I figure that I’m probably already half way there, but on Saturday is when it will be official according to “the rules”.

I’m getting closer to the time when Nathaniel died, and I am admitting to you all that I’m freaking out………..a bit. Not a ton, I’m not walking around terrorized all the time, but I have noticed that I’m more aware of the dates, and how far along I am, and of how much or little movement I’ve been feeling. I want to go in to the doctor and get him to do another ultrasound to tell me that every thing’s okay. I want him to tell me that everything is okay with the placenta, and that the umbilical cord is straight, and has no knots in it. I want a bazillion tests that might tell me if anything is going to go wrong. I know that none of this will help, and that I just have to keep going back to what I believe – which is that this baby will live.

It’s just so hard when there are no warning signals, and that Nathaniel was here and moving around one day, and gone the next. I worry ’cause I felt such solid little kicks here and there. It’s not that they were regular, but it could be the kind of thing that the baby had it’s back to my back, and so I could feel the kicks. And for the last little bit, maybe it’s had it’s stomach to my back, and so the movement is stronger towards the inside.

I’m not wanting to scare anyone. The baby is moving, I’m just not feeling the little kicks like I was. Which now that I’ve typed that, the baby has gone and made a liar out of me, and kicked me a few times right where my pants are too tight, and probably crowding it. It’s not that it’s not moving. Can I say that any more times, it’s just not the same as it was. I know that I’m lucky to even be feeling it at all this early on. Especially seeing as I’ve been feeling it for quite a few weeks now, I guess I just figured that I’d start to feel it more and even stronger the farther along I got. (I can always find something to worry about, eh? I’m a pro at it.)

It’s funny, you’d think that I’d be happy, ’cause we (Jon and I) saw my tummy moving when the baby was kicking 2 nights ago. I saw it last night, and even today. See what I mean….it’s not that this baby is not moving, and I recognize that the kid needs to sleep at some point, but can’t it do that when I’m sleeping so that it is moving when I’m awake.

I do feel as ridiculous as I sound, and yet I’m scared. I don’t want to lose another baby. I know I’m strong enough, I just don’t want to have to be. This is hard, at times….so hard!